Trying to Build Executive Functioning Without Self-Awareness? That's Cute.
I subscribe to a lot of newsletters on neurodivergence - from deep-dive brain science rabbit holes to tips on helping our kids not drop out of college.
One email caught my attention recently. It was from an executive functioning coach and it was titled, “The Four Executive Functioning Skills That Change Everything.”
Sounds promising, right?
This coach dove right into planning/prioritizing, organization, task initiation, and study strategies - like it’s that simple.
Spoiler alert: It’s not that simple.
There’s a big difference between a skill and an ability. (This distinction is so important I dedicate an entire section to it in my course, The Executive Functioning Playbook for Parents.)
To learn and apply those four skills, kids first need certain underlying abilities. And the most critical one?
Self-awareness. (Also known as metacognition.)
People with strong executive functioning skills tend to have strong self-awareness - the ability to pause, reflect on their own thinking, and adjust behavior accordingly.
Without it, those executive functioning skills? They don’t stand a chance.
What Is Self-Awareness?
Self-awareness is the ability to:
Self-reflect
Self-evaluate
Self-talk/self-instruct
Self-monitor
It's about noticing what’s going on in your brain and body—and doing something useful with that information.
Metacognition: A Quick Brain Nerd Detour
Let’s break down the word.
Meta: Greek for “after,” “beyond,” or “with.” In today’s world, it means reflecting on oneself.
Cognition: The mental processes of knowing, learning, and understanding.
So, metacognition = thinking about your own thinking.
It’s the behind-the-scenes brainwork that lets us plan, problem-solve, navigate social relationships, and even anticipate future challenges.
It’s also one of the areas where neurotypical brains often thrive—and neurodivergent brains can really struggle.
Why Are Self-Awareness and Metacognition So Important?
Because weak self-awareness can look like:
School issues - missed assignments and poor time management
Trouble with friendships and social cues
Difficulty with accountability
Emotional overwhelm or meltdowns
Avoiding tasks altogether
Appearing to be self-absorbed
Not recognizing stress, hunger, anxiety, or the need for sleep
And over time, that can turn into:
Chronic stress or anxiety
School avoidance or refusal
Neurodivergent burnout (the kind that can take weeks, months, or years to recover from)
Job instability
So Why the Struggle?
Brace yourself - we’re going into brain science territory (briefly, I promise).
We’re all familiar with the five basic senses:
Visual (sight)
Auditory (hearing)
Olfactory (smell)
Gustatory (taste)
Tactile (touch)
But there are three lesser-known senses that matter just as much:
Interoception: awareness of internal body signals (e.g., hunger, anxiety, heart rate)
Proprioception: sensing the position and movement of your body
Vestibular: balance and spatial orientation
Interoception is especially key here. It’s thought to be responsible for emotional regulation. And guess what? It’s tied to a specific brain region - the insula. When there are structural differences in this region, interoception and self-awareness often take a hit.
And let’s not forget the prefrontal cortex - home base for executive functioning. It’s the last part of the brain to mature (hello, mid-to-late 20s!). And every kid’s brain develops on its own schedule.
Bottom line: There are real, biological reasons for the differences in self-awareness and executive functioning. The more we understand this, the more compassion and patience we can extend to our kids (and ourselves).
Back to Those “Four Skills That Change Everything”...
Let’s revisit:
Planning and prioritizing
Task initiation
Organization
Study strategies
All great skills—but IMPOSSIBLE without a foundation of self-awareness and metacognition.
Trying to teach these without that foundation? You’re setting the stage for shame, failure, and resistance.
What Parents Really Need to Know
Here’s the key: You must understand where your kid’s ability level truly is, not just where it “should be” based on age.
And yes, you need to understand this stuff better than their teacher, therapist, or coach.
You can’t place them in situations that are appropriate for their chronological age if their developmental level doesn’t match.
Neurotypical kids can often stretch into the next challenge.
Neurodivergent kids might crumble. Or worse, they may avoid similar challenges for years out of fear of failing again.
We Parent the Brain We Have, Not the One We Expect
You cannot parent a neurodivergent child the same way you parent a neurotypical one.
You cannot educate them the same way either.
We live in a world designed for neurotypical brains, and neurodivergent kids are constantly being asked to adapt.
That’s like asking someone in a wheelchair to take the stairs.
My Journey
I had to learn all this the hard way.
I’m a neurotypical parent raising a brilliant, neurodivergent son.
Most of his teachers didn’t get it (though two did thankfully!).
And the executive functioning coaches we hired? Not as effective as I had hoped.
(note on Executive Functioning coaches: in the early stages of this journey, I didn’t know what my son needed or what questions to ask prospective coaches. I have since identified some fantastic coaches - because I knew what I was looking for.)
So, I dove deep, got educated, and now I’m sharing everything I’ve learned. I created The Executive Functioning Playbook for Parents to shout from the rooftops everything I wish someone had told me.
Because self-awareness can be strengthened—especially when caught early.
What I’d Do Differently
If I could go back in time, I’d sprint—not walk—to an occupational therapist with expertise in executive functioning.
When kids are older, things get trickier. Teens and young adults need to notice that they lack self-awareness—and recognize the problems it’s causing—before they’ll want to improve it.
See the challenge?
How to Help an Older Teen or Young Adult
Educate yourself first (are you sensing a theme here?)
Then sneakily educate them. Gently. No frontal attacks.
Try:
Telling relatable stories (yours or others’)
Using declarative language (here’s a great resource)
Communicating in the way they best receive it (texts? notes on paper?)
Expect trial, error, and a healthy dose of failure along the way.
And patience. So much patience.
A Win (Kind Of)
My son was nearly 20 before he could finally say, “Yeah, school’s easier when I get good sleep.”
Does he go to bed early now? Absolutely not.
But the connection has been made.
Even if he never admits it again—I know it’s there.
Super interesting read!